Friday, November 22, 2013

I feel like I've grown up.

I learned that going out with friends isn't always fun. Going out with people you love, and really spending time and enjoying their company, sure, but... "friends", not quite. I'd rather spend my time eating blueberry cheese tarts in the kitchen with my mum. I learned to love how I look. I do remember quite alot about my childhood but what stood out was definitely my lack of self-love. I'm learning to love myself, and I think I've finally reached a point where I don't have to starve myself to like what I see in the mirror. It's not that I've been working hard to be healthy and whatnot (quite the opposite, in fact) but mostly, I've learned to accept and love myself. So what if other people don't like how I look? In fact, really thinking about it, the people who actually matter have never complained about my size, or my skin, and they love me for who I am... on the inside. I learned that you really, really, don't need many people in your life. I love being friendly in general and I adore people who are genuinely friendly, but I've come to realize that at some point I got too caught up trying to be someone everyone likes; trying to please everyone; I'm not saying I should be rude/cold to everyone from now on, but I should focus my time, effort and energy on the few who really matter, I suppose. I learned that sometimes it's okay to sacrifice and make changes, for people who would do the same for you. It is okay to let go of some things to make them happy. Stop worrying that you might regret it; no matter what you do, you will always make mistakes. And that's fine. I learned that doing chores isn't always, well, a chore. With proper time management and the right way of looking at things, I am starting to enjoy doing things around the house and helping out because well, it makes me feel useful. I learned that family time feels wonderful, even if takes hours just to get some dim sum, it doesn't leave me feeling unproductive and anxious to go home, compared to when I'm spending time with "friends" who are "cool". Instead, I enjoy just being in my family's presence. I learned that people don't always appreciate the little things you do for them, and sometimes they want more. And sometimes you're not capable of giving them more. So I learned it's okay to let go of people who you can't get along with anymore, people who have different beliefs and people who go through life in certain ways that you disagree on. It's okay to let go. I learned that studying can be very rewarding, that feeling when you work hard for something and do well, instead of cheating your way through and it doesn't even result in much... nothing beats that. I learned to be less materialistic; growing up, I was always frustrated by all the things I couldn't have: mobile phones, branded clothes, why didn't my parents own expensive cars? And if that wasn't bad enough, at times I would even be embarrassed by the things I/my family owned, thinking they were not "grand" enough, not as good as what others had. I've learned that things like that don't matter and one should never let others make them feel otherwise. Parents work hard enough just to put a roof over our heads, so all the unnecessary accessories that make life more glamorous should not turn into necessities. Well, it's not wrong to want them, but surely not to the extent that one feels he/she NEEDS it. Also, I learned what I really love doing. Taking photos, making videos. It puts a smile on my face. I learned that if you think you're good/you did well, you don't need the approval of others. Sure, that'd boost your confidence, but if you like it and you're proud of it, then even if no one showers you with compliments about it, it's still good. And I learned to say no. Learned that I can't always please others and that my needs matter too. Learned to express how I really feel, if something makes me unhappy I'll say so (of course, in a nice way) because I'm NOT being difficult, I am trying to make the situation better for everyone involved. I suppose I learned it is okay to speak what's on your mind, sometimes.

Of course, there are still things I need to fix.
☺ Work on my studies and time management
☺ Whining (excessively) doesn't get you anywhere
☺ Spend quality time and put away those gadgets; rule of thumb: imagine this will be your last time meeting that someone for the next year, so wouldn't you want to catch up and have a proper conversation instead of Instagram the moment?
☺ That's right, care less about social networking. 
☺ Swear less... I use the word "shit" so often that it's more like an acceptable word to add in to everyday sentences, now.. :(
☺ Quality, not quantity. Truly.
My first ever paid job!!!! Nicest girls ever, what a good experience aaaaah. They requested for the catchiest song ever too which is now stuck in my head. 

Sunday, July 14, 2013

for all those who are nursing heartbreak
because that boy will never feel the same about you, your best friend is now a stranger and your grandpa left you to go on with life without him

and i quote the speech i wrote for my oral assessment in April: "So love, this so-called beautiful feeling that supposedly makes the world a better place; why do we crave for it so badly? Why do we all need to be loved? Some people worry that they may never find their other half, but does it matter that much? Even if you don’t find the “love of your life”, you still have your mum, your dad, or siblings to love. Is that kind of love not enough? Must it be a love between man and woman  - or man and man, and woman and woman, no discrimination whatsoever to same-sex marriage - that keeps us going in life?"

Sunday, June 23, 2013

School's been cancelled for three whole days (yipee!) due to the haze in our area, so i have a crapload of time on my hands now (though i should really be using it to study instead..)

Friday, June 21, 2013

Hi there! Here's a bunch of photos from an event i recently photographed, Take The Stage 2013. My classmate happened to be the emcee for the event, so she asked if i was interested in taking photos for them. Of course, i said yes :D It's been awhile and i miss the feeling of snapping away and going through a shitload of photos but feeling so much satisfaction. The last time i did something like this was for my school's senior prom which was ages ago! Do i sound too happy? Haha i dunno, i've been away for too long :( 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Went through my expansion drive and found these photos from November last year, when i  visited Aquaria KLCC with my bestie. What a lovely surprise, I should seriously start taking photos again. Can't believe this is my first proper photo post in five whole months. No excuse to not pick up my camera anymore, now that mid-term break is hereeee! \/
HAHA funny stranger number 48

Monday, April 15, 2013

Stranger #47 :)
I vaguely remember when I was about 10, the pak cik who worked in my school canteen said to me, "I see you're not growing upwards, but you're growing outwards.." *snickers*. A 50-something-year-old uncle, said to me, a 10 year old chubby kid. It broke my heart but i pretended like i didn't care and laughed it off. It hurt- a lot. Ever since then all i remember from primary school is being insulted in front of everyone and having to just chuckle along with everyone to hide how i really felt (embarrassed, sad, hurt, heartbroken) - just chuckle along because what a hilarious joke it was! One day it might be "Hahaha you're so fat, you look like you're pregnant!" and the next it'd be "Stop wearing that shirt, it makes you look soooooo very fat,". I went on being friends with all of the people who hurt me, day after day after day, six years in primary school. I lost a bit of weight after that and when i entered secondary school, nobody teased me anymore. Inside, i still felt like the fat kid who "looked like she was pregnant" (WAS I THAT FAT?) but i guess on the outside i didn't look that bad after all. Life was good, i made new friends, none of them called me names - that is, until i gained some weight in my third year of secondary school. Okay, maybe not some, maybe a lot: there i was, back to fat kid status. But still no one ever called me fat that year, but something changed this year, maybe something snapped in everyone and made them a little colder - i'm in my fourth year now and everywhere i go, all people seem to say to me is that i need to lose weight, i look bad, i used to look so much better, how did i gain so much weight, stop eating, go for a run cos you need the exercise.
In the beginning, despite the embarrassment and pain, i understood that they meant it in a nice way; plus, everything they said was true and they did say it nicely. I believed they were only telling me because they wanted me to be healthier and all that - it was fine. But i don't know when it started, people just came up to me one after another, day after day, (sound familiar? yeah, primary school all over again) and their words became more and more hurtful, they didn't even bother to sugar coat it.
They said it as if I had no feelings whatsoever, suddenly "Maybe you should lose a little weight" turned into "You're so fat weh, go diet lah", "Haha, just eat a bit less then can already lah, then you'll look alright" turned into "Stop eating lah, everyday also eat eat eat. Enough la. *laughs*". By the way, i really don't see how adding a chuckle or giggle after an insult makes everything better - it makes it WORSE in my opinion and it's so hurtful. Don't just walk up to me and say something to hurt my feelings and THEN laugh after doing so, i might slap you in the face. But no, i won't, because i'm a coward. Every time this happens (countless times this year alone) i just laugh along even though it's no laughing matter to me. I smile and act as if it doesn't bother me but i'm trying my best to keep the tears in. IT WASN'T EVEN THAT BAD UNTIL, one day I fell down in school and the first thing my friend said to me was not "Are you alright?" but instead, "HAHAHA, i heard the ground shake!". Erm, ouch? And then another day it was worse, I was eating yogurt in school and someone said "Oh you're eating yogurt? Do you think that helps you slim down? Well it sure isn't working. Hahaha!". In public, too. Right in front of about 10 other people. So let me get this straight, a fat kid can't eat a burger in public without being criticized, and now a fat kid can't eat YOGURT without getting insulted? I am not even on a diet, I eat yogurt because it tastes good and it's the easiest thing to grab in the morning when i leave home. Why do i even have to explain this?! How does it affect anyone if I am or am not on a diet? WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING ON A DIET? WHAT’S WRONG IF I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A DIET?
They say "There are no ugly people, only lazy people" meaning you are only ugly because you are lazy to care for your skin, care for your fitness, etc, etc. Well how about "There are no ugly people, only people who don't feel comfortable in their own skin" - meaning i am ugly because i constantly think i am ugly, but if i can practise self-acceptance and accept the way that i look, then i am just as beautiful as all of you! As long as i am comfortable with how i look, what else matters?! I honestly feel like i look alright, once in a while i might complain about the way i look to my closest friends, but 90% of the time i feel perfectly fine. Going on a diet never even crossed my mind til all my "friends" started saying shit about me. Who are you to tell me that i should lose 5 kgs or go for a run because i need it?! It's not like i'm dangerously overweight and you are truly concerned about my health - no, most of you who come up to me and "ADVISE" me to eat less probably just think it's funny. Lol. Lol lol lol. Hilarious.
Listen, just cos you're skinny, it doesn't mean i have to be as skinny as you, as pretty as you, i'm not gonna compare myself to you and all your perfection anyway so don't tell me what to do. Please. Unless you are honestly concerned about me and want the best for me (i know there are some people who have kind hearts), then don't come up to me with shit words and break my heart, especially in public. Even if you do mean it in a good way, please say it kindly, not harshly. Also, if you overhear someone else saying i am fat, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "Hey that guy just said you're fat. *chuckles*" Again with the little laugh after saying something hurtful! I really can't help but think that your motive was to embarrass me, and by doing it this way you wouldn't feel guilty cause you're just "passing on the message". I wouldn't have known, i wouldn't have gotten hurt, i wouldn't have been embarrassed in front of tons of people, i wouldn't have gone home and cried if you had not told me.
I never had the guts to say anything back to all the people who hurt me and in the end they are still my friends, but I am sick and tired of being hurt all the time, and this is the bravest thing i can do - put all my feelings down in words. Just cos i laugh a lot and i'm always smiling doesn't mean you can take advantage of that and hurt me over and over again, treat me like a doormat and step all over me! I just wish all of you could accept me the way I look, just like how I accept the way I look! There is more to me than just my looks, I am fairly good at Mathematics and taking photographs, among other things, so why can't you think of all that when you see me rather than just my above-average size?! Now people are probably gonna say that I'm just lazy and pathetic and begging for sympathy- well it's my choice if i want to lose weight or not, i'll do it if i want to, when i want to, thank you very much. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself, i don't want to hear it anyway.