I vaguely remember when I was about 10, the pak cik who worked in my school canteen said to me, "I see you're not growing upwards, but you're growing outwards.." *snickers*. A 50-something-year-old uncle, said to me, a 10 year old chubby kid. It broke my heart but i pretended like i didn't care and laughed it off. It hurt- a lot. Ever since then all i remember from primary school is being insulted in front of everyone and having to just chuckle along with everyone to hide how i really felt (embarrassed, sad, hurt, heartbroken) - just chuckle along because what a hilarious joke it was! One day it might be "Hahaha you're so fat, you look like you're pregnant!" and the next it'd be "Stop wearing that shirt, it makes you look soooooo very fat,". I went on being friends with all of the people who hurt me, day after day after day, six years in primary school. I lost a bit of weight after that and when i entered secondary school, nobody teased me anymore. Inside, i still felt like the fat kid who "looked like she was pregnant" (WAS I THAT FAT?) but i guess on the outside i didn't look that bad after all. Life was good, i made new friends, none of them called me names - that is, until i gained some weight in my third year of secondary school. Okay, maybe not some, maybe a lot: there i was, back to fat kid status. But still no one ever called me fat that year, but something changed this year, maybe something snapped in everyone and made them a little colder - i'm in my fourth year now and everywhere i go, all people seem to say to me is that i need to lose weight, i look bad, i used to look so much better, how did i gain so much weight, stop eating, go for a run cos you need the exercise.
In the beginning, despite the embarrassment and pain, i understood that they meant it in a nice way; plus, everything they said was true and they did say it nicely. I believed they were only telling me because they wanted me to be healthier and all that - it was fine. But i don't know when it started, people just came up to me one after another, day after day, (sound familiar? yeah, primary school all over again) and their words became more and more hurtful, they didn't even bother to sugar coat it.
They said it as if I had no feelings whatsoever, suddenly "Maybe you should lose a little weight" turned into "You're so fat weh, go diet lah", "Haha, just eat a bit less then can already lah, then you'll look alright" turned into "Stop eating lah, everyday also eat eat eat. Enough la. *laughs*". By the way, i really don't see how adding a chuckle or giggle after an insult makes everything better - it makes it WORSE in my opinion and it's so hurtful. Don't just walk up to me and say something to hurt my feelings and THEN laugh after doing so, i might slap you in the face. But no, i won't, because i'm a coward. Every time this happens (countless times this year alone) i just laugh along even though it's no laughing matter to me. I smile and act as if it doesn't bother me but i'm trying my best to keep the tears in. IT WASN'T EVEN THAT BAD UNTIL, one day I fell down in school and the first thing my friend said to me was not "Are you alright?" but instead, "HAHAHA, i heard the ground shake!". Erm, ouch? And then another day it was worse, I was eating yogurt in school and someone said "Oh you're eating yogurt? Do you think that helps you slim down? Well it sure isn't working. Hahaha!". In public, too. Right in front of about 10 other people. So let me get this straight, a fat kid can't eat a burger in public without being criticized, and now a fat kid can't eat YOGURT without getting insulted? I am not even on a diet, I eat yogurt because it tastes good and it's the easiest thing to grab in the morning when i leave home. Why do i even have to explain this?! How does it affect anyone if I am or am not on a diet? WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING ON A DIET? WHAT’S WRONG IF I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A DIET?
They say "There are no ugly people, only lazy people" meaning you are only ugly because you are lazy to care for your skin, care for your fitness, etc, etc. Well how about "There are no ugly people, only people who don't feel comfortable in their own skin" - meaning i am ugly because i constantly think i am ugly, but if i can practise self-acceptance and accept the way that i look, then i am just as beautiful as all of you! As long as i am comfortable with how i look, what else matters?! I honestly feel like i look alright, once in a while i might complain about the way i look to my closest friends, but 90% of the time i feel perfectly fine. Going on a diet never even crossed my mind til all my "friends" started saying shit about me. Who are you to tell me that i should lose 5 kgs or go for a run because i need it?! It's not like i'm dangerously overweight and you are truly concerned about my health - no, most of you who come up to me and "ADVISE" me to eat less probably just think it's funny. Lol. Lol lol lol. Hilarious.
Listen, just cos you're skinny, it doesn't mean i have to be as skinny as you, as pretty as you, i'm not gonna compare myself to you and all your perfection anyway so don't tell me what to do. Please. Unless you are honestly concerned about me and want the best for me (i know there are some people who have kind hearts), then don't come up to me with shit words and break my heart, especially in public. Even if you do mean it in a good way, please say it kindly, not harshly. Also, if you overhear someone else saying i am fat, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "Hey that guy just said you're fat. *chuckles*" Again with the little laugh after saying something hurtful! I really can't help but think that your motive was to embarrass me, and by doing it this way you wouldn't feel guilty cause you're just "passing on the message". I wouldn't have known, i wouldn't have gotten hurt, i wouldn't have been embarrassed in front of tons of people, i wouldn't have gone home and cried if you had not told me.
I never had the guts to say anything back to all the people who hurt me and in the end they are still my friends, but I am sick and tired of being hurt all the time, and this is the bravest thing i can do - put all my feelings down in words. Just cos i laugh a lot and i'm always smiling doesn't mean you can take advantage of that and hurt me over and over again, treat me like a doormat and step all over me! I just wish all of you could accept me the way I look, just like how I accept the way I look! There is more to me than just my looks, I am fairly good at Mathematics and taking photographs, among other things, so why can't you think of all that when you see me rather than just my above-average size?! Now people are probably gonna say that I'm just lazy and pathetic and begging for sympathy- well it's my choice if i want to lose weight or not, i'll do it if i want to, when i want to, thank you very much. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself, i don't want to hear it anyway.

SO PLEASE, STOP HURTING MY FEELINGS.

I finally (took me exactly four months!!!) got around to making a video :) 

Nat Jay's Green Trees Red Hearts is so addictive, no?

But when we would landI might take pity on youI can crack all your ribsBut I can't break your heart

You will never love meAnd this I can't forgiveThat you will never love meAs long as I will live

Theme song of my life since i was 10

Kinda annoyed as hell with myself cause i use my webcam more often than my camera these days..

I was going through my flickr account which i used to update weekly in 2011, and i summed up this list:

Things I'd Tell My 14-year-old Self

1. Don't get yourself fired (but even if you don't, you will probably be fired the next year, or the year after, so..)

2. Life as a normal student > life as a prefect, so do get fired

3. You'll get a dslr, don't worry.

4. Love your friends, cause they'll throw you an amazing sweet 16th

5. Please use your flash when you meet Hayato Imanishi, or the pictures will turn out like crap

6. Don't buy the diana f+, you are NEVER going to use it

7. You have so much more inspiration than i do, haven't been painting for a year and a half now

8. I can't believe you spent a shitload of money in Big Bad Wolf, the books are untouched til today.

9. Stop downloading every season of House, you're not gonna watch it.

10. Wear your glasses more often, your eyesight is going down the drain.

11. Can't believe you bought a letterman jacket.........................

12. You're gonna get an ear infection from wearing those red earrings

13. Don't buy a holga either, that's something else that'll go to waste

14. Spend time with yeye, talk to him and take photos with him, make more memories, call him just for fun to hear his voice

That pretty much sums it up. Time for some bio.

Photos from the day i got my camera til today

 My "art piece" from art class that i left unfinished haha

My last day of school as a form three student

Headed to meeples board game cafe after that

 This coconut jelly thing was so goooood

 Mum made me this canvas photo holder thing hehe and i hung it above my bed

 Found some pretty flowers in my backyard - surprise, surprise

 Brother told me to take this

 This was kind of a funny story ..

 Met up with this cutie again

 Celebrated Najat's birthday, probably my longest friend ever, eight years and counting :]

 ... and saw this little boy amongst mannequins in a boutique display, stranger number forty two

 Japanese dinner with old teammates and our coach was yummy

 This boy almost died last week - not a funny story

forty three in kl

 More photos of cars for my dear brother

 Bought something on groupon for the first time and went to collect it at their office

 Didnt really feel christmasey at all, was hoping these would help... but nope
forty four performing at the curve

forty five

 Spent today with mummy and my brother in ikea and i love moo cow aaaah

 forty six - SANTA BABY HEHEHE

Pretty much the last of my twenty twelve. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone :] 

Til next year ☺

I volunteered as a photographer for my school's senior prom, the number keys on my keyboard are a little whacko so i can't use exclamation marks.. which is depressing for me since i love to exclaim. Anyway, i've never photographed an event before so it was pretty scary (are my pictures going to turn out like crap? oh no). I guess it turned out better than i expected, despite all the darkness and my zero experience with flash photography. Was abit disappointed during the slow dance though, i really wanted to get a really nice shot, maybe something like Lisa Ameera's photo. But i did get some shots that i personally really like :D

I swear there is ALWAYS a michael jackson performance at all my school events.

thirty seven

thirty eight

thirty nine

forty

I'd love to do this again. The only thing that would make this experience even better is if everyone could credit back, esp since i badly need exposure, what with wanting to get jobs and all. Well, at least i know they like the photo (but not enough to credit the photographer?)